Girls, Porn, and Broken Dreams

Author: Emma | Published: Jul/21/2016

girl's body

As a college male who grew up in the United States with what I would like to think of as an above average internet connection, I can tell you that porn is both an infinitely important role model for the modern adolescent male, and a dastardly lying cheat that takes all you thought you knew about the female gender and smashes it on the ground the night you lose your virginity. My expectations for sex were infinitely different than what porn taught me they should be, and my conversations with males and females about porn were two completely different conversations. I am going to analyze for you how porn pushed my expectations about 6 inches (but I’ll tell my friends it’s 12) away from the true reality of sexual intercourse.

Girls and porn viewing go together like milk and pennies: they don’t. I have not talked to a single female on earth who expressed her desire or even acceptance of the existence of porn. I bet they’re lying. I bet they all watch hours of porn a day on their Occulus Rifts just like everyone else. But they won’t tell you that. They’ll let you think they’re saintly little nuns who know how to take dick like a porn star by instinct alone.

Speaking of taking dick like a porn star, I realized the first time I had sex why the male actor in all of these scenes is able to last for 25 to 45 minutes at a time: most of the things they do in porn just gosh darn don’t feel good. Nothing can get me off but intimate missionary on a grassy knoll in the middle of a northern European forest in early August, but that doesn’t look good on camera. Do you know how many times I’ve almost snapped my dick in half trying to do that thing where the girl sticks her leg straight up in a 90 degree angle and the guy just kinda shlumps right in like a tetris block? What the hell? It’s not fun for any party involved.

Another expectation of mine thrown out the window was the concept that blowjobs were anything worth desiring at all. Do you like your blowjobs? I don’t. My first blowjob was from a girl wearing a retainer, it felt like fucking a Tupperware sandwich container. My second was from a girl with a completely nude mouth, yet it was barely even marginally better than the first. Why does every porno start out with a blowjob when it just kinda feels like putting your dick in a toothy baloney sandwich? I can go put my dick in a normal baloney sandwich and just forgo the teeth! Maybe all the girls I’ve tried have just sucked at it, proverbially. Eating a girl out, which NEVER happens in porn, is a hundred times more enjoyable than a blowjob, for me anyways. Like hey, at least now one of us gets to have fun. Or at least they look like they’re having fun. But, one thing porn did teach me correctly, they could always just be faking it.

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